Edit: Feb 2020: This is one of my oldest articles and still remains one of my personal favourites.
STAR WARS: WHAT IF ALL THE Planets HAD A BOXING CONTEST
Disclaimer: This is based upon my analysis of the Planets and is a fun way of bringing about their inherent nature, and showcase their nature and strength in a fun and simple manner.
Moon: The Mother: Oh God…fight…violence…blood….no. shrieks and faints before reaching the ring.
Venus: The Princess: Why can’t these guys peacefully sort thing out? But now that I am here, and am a part of presentation ceremony, let me enjoy myself. Sits in the luxurious seat and orders the best quality sweet popcorns.
Jupiter: The Professor: Ah I am a man of knowledge and not a man of war. I would watch and take philosophical lessons from this. Puts on his glasses and takes out his note pad, sitting at a safe distance from the ring.
Mercury: The Genius: Ok, there’s gonna be a war. I am the brain, not the brawn, so while I won’t fight, how can I make use of it? Maybe I can put a bet and profit from it. Let’s see as per my calculation most of these guys don’t stand a chance. I think it would boil down to just two gentlemen. Ah…I know who’s gonna win…let me book some profits. Let me call up Rahu and place a bet…
Ketu: The Monk: The headless Ketu reaches the ring with his tattered boxing gloves, but stands with his back towards the ring. “I don’t care who wins or who loses. All stupid worldly affairs…but if it is Dharmayuddha, I would be more than happy to fight sacrifice my head, wait a minute, I don’t have a head. My head…where is Rahu?
Rahu: The Gangster: These guys they never listen to me, why don’t they understand that wars are always bad for business. It is politics that makes the world go round, war would end it. I think would wait for the outcome and then befriend the winner. Wait a minute, its Mercury calling, I think he wants to place a bet, smart guy he always gets it right. Ah business opportunity. “Hello old friend”…
Sun: The King: Comes dressed in the regal attire takes the ring site seat waves at the crowd. All right, take seat commoners. Where are the contestants? I am the bloody king, these commoners can’t seriously expect me to fight? I am the one who bosses everybody around, I don’t do anything myself. I command, I don’t act…talking of action. Where the hell is Mars?
Mars: The Fighter: I am the best. I am the best. I am going to win the contest…there is nobody who can challenge me. Mars Jumps into the ring and punches in the air. Sun smiles at his fiery henchman, Venus is intrigued looking at this strong masculine raw figure. The crowd is turned on. Waiting for the man who can challenge this beast.
And then comes …Saturn, quietly and slowly. With his game face on, cold, stern and expressionless.
Saturn: The Badass: I got to know that this is the contest for the most powerful planet. I think I have earned the right to the same.
Mars: Over my dead body. You want it, come get it. You have to fight me.
Saturn: I have a work to do Mars. I got a lot of jerks to punish, many lessons to teach, I can’t waste time arguing with you. Now let me take the title and nobody gets hurt.
Mars: Never without a fight.
Saturn: All right. You asked for it.
Saturn watches with a poker face as he slowly puts on his cheap but practical boxing gloves. Mars rages like a volcano, throwing insults at Saturn. Saturn has his icy cold calm and an air of certainty around him, he has done his homework. He ignores the insults of Mars and reads his legwork and hand movement. Now he KNOWS what to do.
Mars rushes towards Saturn and lands his blows, strong and fierce. While Saturn patiently waits, taking the blows covering his head. Saturn waits. Getting hit again and again, he waits. While Mars furiously lands punches , Saturn waits. After a lot of passionate blows, Mars gets exhausted and is breathing heavily leaning on the ropes, with his ribs exposed.
Saturn gets up slowly, he is bruised, he is bloodied, he is hurt, but he is tenacious. He knows that the right time has come. He spits the blood out of his mouth, musters up all his energy in his hands, and bang, lands a solid blow at the weakest point of Mars’ ribs. That knocks the fire out of Mars. Saturn lands a few more SOLID blows at sensitive parts of Mars and ends the ordeal with a devastating upper cut. As Mars falls, Saturn stops he thinks Mars has learned his lesson and has enough for paid for his karma.
Saturn: Want more?
Mars: “Let me get up,…I’d teach you a lesson…” an angry Mars shrieks in pain but is unable to get up. (Saturn hits hard.)
Saturn stands tall, he is not into taunting or insulting, he believes in just winning. He stands expressionless, like a true badass that he is, waiting for his opponent to get up.
But by this time, Moon who has regained her consciousness and sees her friend Mars get bloodied, rushes to the ring, throws in the towel and takes Mars away while he resists vehemently, spitting cuss words. Mars is not very good at being a good loser.
Venus gets up and smiles her brilliant smile and announces a party in the honor of the winner.
Mercury and Rahu are jubilant, they picked the right winner, and booked nice profit, Mercury is busy counting his money, while Rahu is busy selling more bets, duping people who did not get to know the results yet.
Jupiter is frantically writing notes about the power of patience, perseverance and tenacity. This would make a great lecture for his class.
Ketu doesn’t know and doesn’t care what happens, he goes out to meditate.
Finally and lazily and ceremoniously Sun sands up in order to handover the winning trophy to the winner, after all he was the Chief Guest. He raises waves to the crowds, relishing the limelight, waiting for Venus to bring the trophy so that he can hand it over to Saturn. But, but no one steps up. And there is no trophy
Saturn , as usual, shunned the limelight and ceremony and quietly took what was his, the trophy.
He is not interested in party or ceremonies. He is out doing what he is supposed to do…his work…his Karma that’s what makes him a winner.
G. Vijay Kumar